Summary:
- Yelling is an action we take when we experience a negative emotion that is highly reactive: frustration, anger, shame, anxiety, etc.
- Stopping our actions (like yelling) while we’re having a negative experience is an uphill battle that doesn’t get at the root cause of our yelling.
- We can control how we feel. We can control our anger. If we understand why we feel these emotions we can more easily control our yelling.
Yelling has one universal truth, it comes from emotions like anger, frustration, shame, fear, etc. Our negative emotions.
We don’t usually yell at someone when we’re feeling happy or grateful.
Our negative emotions, especially the ones that are fast and highly reactive like anger give us little room to stop our default reaction of raising our voices or saying things we don’t mean.
If only we could just catch our breathe, but often we can’t and the damage is done.
Our yelling almost feels like it comes without warning.
Evolutionarily, the very nature of anger is to get us to act fast.
So trying to stop our yelling after the emotion and before we take action is like climbing a mountain with someone pushing on our shoulders.
But if we didn’t feel angry a lot of the time, we probably would be less inclined to yell. What if we could feel less angry or frustrated?
And that is where the biggest lie about anger comes in.
We’re told we can’t control how we feel. That anger is just a given. And that’s 100% false.
Neuroscience and well the evidence all around us suggests otherwise. We can control how we feel because of the fact that not everyone has the same emotional experience in the same exact situation.
We aren’t saddened by the same events and we aren’t angered by the same events. Ever get stuck in a traffic jam? Look around, some are listening to their audible book or podcast while others are sitting there worried about their plans and yet others, often a few, are honking their horns and yelling – potentially leading to a road rage incident.
We can control anger.
The yelling isn’t habitual, how we feel is habitual.
If frustration is one of our top daily emotions, then of course, we are going to yell almost every day.
Dealing with our emotions and understanding why we’re routinely feeling frustrated or anxious (or any other reactive emotion) is going to get at the root cause of our yelling.
When we can understand where it’s coming from and understand the pattern, we can begin to control how we feel and our actions effectively and thereby ultimately stop the yelling for good.
There’s a simple four step process to stop yelling for good, click here to get the free guide.
~Tara
Tara Ramachandra 